We live in a world obsessed with physical beauty. All of us who know and love our Lord Jesus share an inner beauty. That’s the secret! Our beauty is the beauty of the Lord himself.
August 21st was my second round of chemotherapy. When we arrived at Kirklin Clinic the first thing I had done was lab work. Afterwards, I went and had a complete pulmonary test done (breathing test). Then I went back to the infusion room and began my chemotherapy. Once more, it was long hours of waiting while the medicine ran through me. The lab work came back with a low white blood cell count. With it being so low, I wouldn’t be able to do very many normal activities. I had to stay away from crowds, hand sanitize religiously, not get near anyone that’s sick, etc.
Physically speaking, I wasn’t ill and I felt fine. However, this treatment might be the hardest I’ve faced yet. Not only because I was practically on house arrest but it got to me on more of an emotional level. I had a mindset that I wouldn’t lose any of my hair. I knew that was a huge possibility, but I didn’t want to even think about it. So, in my mind, it wasn’t going to happen. Slowly, though, I began finding loose hairs on my pillow or falling on my shoulders. I ended up wearing a night cap, all day and all night, to keep the hairs that were falling from bothering me both physically and visibly. My grandmother even changed my sheets to new brown ones so that when my hairs did fall out I wouldn’t be able to see them as easily. I just cleaned it up and ignored it. I kept telling my mom that we have to be more specific in our prayers. Someone even said they had been praying for me and they had faith that I wouldn’t lose my hair. That stuck with me and I wasn’t going to let it happen.
Showers. Showers were the worst. There’s shampooing, towel drying, brushing, blow drying, styling. Every time I got in the shower it was worse. It started with a few strands of my hair. I told myself I was just thinning a little. Until my next shower. Before I even put shampoo in my hair, just running my hands through my hair under the water, gobs of strands were coming out. I’ll never forget looking at my hands full of nothing but chunks of my hair. I let it run off my hand and hit the floor of the shower. I touched my hair again and my hands filled up with more hair. I was just looking at it. I began making myself sick. Gagging at the sight of my hair falling out and into my hands. The shower floor was filled with hair. I got out and dried myself off, towel dried my hair, and saw the towel completely covered with even more hairs everywhere. I lost it. My first major breakdown. I laid on the bathroom floor crying in disbelief that I was looking at my hair. My mom knocked on the door asking what was wrong. I wouldn’t let her come in. I could hear her crying outside the door. It took me a minute to stop crying and to come out of the bathroom. My mom cleaned up all the hairs and we never spoke about it. I experienced another shower just like that one and my dad cleaned up all of the hair that I lost. My mom took me outside and brushed my hair. My hairbrush was covered with loose hairs.
It was time. Time for me to realize that my hair was obviously coming out no matter what I wanted. One night, after closing hours, me and my family went to have my head shaved by a family-friend at Adeline’s. This hair salon was originally opened with intentions of helping cancer patients with situations like mine. Little did I know that I would be their first cancer client. I was so scared and nervous. How was this going to feel? Was it going to hurt? What would I look like? I made her turn me away from the mirror so I wouldn’t have to see. However, I did see all of the hair that she shaved off lying on the floor. I teared up a little bit but I told myself I wasn’t going to cry. I hadn’t looked at my head and didn’t plan on it. I put back on my night cap that I wore so no one would look at my hairless head. As soon as we got home, everything was fine. We all went about our norm. Until… My dad walked by me and rubbed my head. He didn’t mean anything by it but I immediately lost it. I started crying and went to my room. I pulled off my night cap and sat on the floor crying.
It felt so weird. Why did this have to happen? I want to be pretty. How will I be able to look at myself? I don’t look like me anymore. I look like a boy. People will stare at me. I’m so mad. These are all a few different thoughts that were running through my head. My sister and my mom came into my room and sat with me. Both were holding me and also crying. I wouldn’t let them look at me. When they spoke they looked at the floor. Anytime they started to look up, I would yell at them not to look at me. My dad came in my room and sat down in the floor next to me. He began telling me how temporary all this is. And that we have to think of the story of Job from the Bible. I eventually stopped crying and decided to go to bed. I couldn’t lay my own head on the pillow, which just made me cry even more. It just felt so weird. Mom and dad helped me to lie down and fall asleep.
The next day, I made my mom cover up all the mirrors so I wouldn’t have to look at myself if I ever took my cap off. I constantly wore a hat or a scarf on my head. No one saw me without it covered. A week later, I became more comfortable with my very close family members seeing me without anything covering my head. It took me a lot longer, but I eventually looked at myself in the mirror. I had a small moment where I broke down and cried but I actually handled it better than I expected.
I could definitely feel the prayers that people were sending my way. I don’t think I would have handled looking at myself as well as I did without any of you praying for me. I had a very dear person to me tell me a story the week I shaved my head. Whenever she was experiencing any life struggles she would randomly find feathers in different places. She saved every single feather that she has ever found and keeps them as a reminder. To her the feathers symbolize God “feathering” her or comforting her when she needed Him. I like to think that the feathers that God sends me are through all of my sweet friends, family, and even unknown people who are supporting me and praying for me.
It has taken me longer to work up the courage to type this blog because it was such a painful experience. I even shed a few tears thinking back to remember everything. I still have my moments when I hate not having my hair anymore but I’m doing much better than I was. On the plus side, I hardly ever have to shave and I never have the trouble of having to fix my hair or bad hair days!
Don’t try to make yourselves beautiful on the outside, with stylish hair or by wearing gold jewelry or fine clothes. Instead, make yourselves beautiful on the inside, in your hearts, with the enduring quality of a gentle, peaceful spirit. This type of beauty is very precious in God’s eyes. 1 Peter 3:3-4
September 28, 2012
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