Cancer isn’t just something to conquer physically. It’s more of a mental game than anything. That’s the way the devil can really get to you… Mentally.
Two days before September 18th, I began to feel the nerves kicking in. I started becoming very anxious about what was going to happen Tuesday… Another round of chemotherapy. I was not looking forward to this at all. Yes, I was getting closer to my halfway point but I wasn’t looking at that aspect. Instead, I was focusing on how the chemo makes me feel. My nerves were getting the best of me and making me physically sick. By the time I got to Kirklin Clinic on Tuesday, I was already wanting to go home. I was laying there through chemotherapy, receiving my medicine, on the verge of tears, telling my mom I wanted to go home. That day was the beginning of another bad treatment.
Physically speaking it was all the same. Tired and mouth soreness. However, this treatment messed with me the most mentally thus far. I was almost just playing mind games with myself. Something was constantly going through my head. Why is this happening to me? What’s wrong with me? I don’t feel like myself. I want to look like the old me. I want to act like the old me. I want to be able to do things again. Why am I angry? Why am I crying for no reason? Have people forgotten me? What if no one is praying anymore? Why do I feel too weak to pray for myself?
Was it the medicine making me feel this way or the fact that I’m sitting at home alone a lot or maybe even the devil messing with my mind? Everyday negative questions and thoughts were filling up in my head. I was even thinking something I knew wasn’t true at all… Where was my relationship with God? I wasn’t going to mention this part in my blog but I want to be completely honest about how this really makes you feel. I felt lost and far away from Him. Or maybe it was more of like I was stuck in a constant. Like I wasn’t growing spiritually anymore and that bothered me the most.
I know none of these thoughts are true and the sad thing is I even knew they weren’t true at the time but it still just got to me. I would just sit there and cry. My mom and dad would hold me while I cried. I might would even go from feeling good and okay one minute to feeling worthless the next. Most of the time I would hide it and no one would know I was having this inner mind battle. As I’m typing this I know it probably doesn’t make sense and you might not understand. Let’s just say it’s a rough experience. Having something mess with you mentally is hard. Please know that I haven’t completely lost my mind and I’m not psycho or anything. Cancer is as much as conquering something mentally as it is physically. Cancer has to be conquered in more ways than one.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. For I hold you by your right hand- I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you…’ Isaiah 41:10,13
November 1, 2012
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