It’s like being on a rollercoaster. Up and down, up and down. Each day is a new one. I don’t know what to expect… But He does.
I’ve decided to combine a few treatments into this one blog. I’m so behind on updating everyone and I’ve almost turned my blogging into homework which I usually procrastinate on. Also, reading about each treatment can become repetitive after awhile. However, I still want to be able to share my story and shed light to my journey.
On October 15th, I went for chemotherapy treatment number 6. Halfway!! These two weeks, throughout this treatment, were actually very good. I was still a little tired the first few days but picked up fast. My body didn’t ache as much. My mouth wasn’t as sore. My mind didn’t play tricks me. Overall, I felt like my old self.
October 29th was my 7th chemotherapy treatment. I had the same reactions to medicine as always… Exhaustion, sore mouth, and aching body. I would normally spend Halloween with my friends, watching scary movies and eating tons of candy but not this year. I was too tired to even enjoy trick-or-treaters. Also this treatment, I began struggling mentally again. I was doing so good and then went right back to where I started. I hate having to type this but I went as far as to covering up my mirrors again because I didn’t want to look at myself. I even covered up my face in every picture in my room. I missed my hair and the way I used to look. Not only that, but I had forgotten who I used to be. I forgot what normal felt like. I felt like I had forgotten who I am. I was almost scared to think about when I’m better because I don’t know what it will be like or what I will be like. Of course feeling miserable about life didn’t last too long when my family decided to take a weekend trip to Mentone for my birthday. Thankfully, I was feeling good that weekend and was so happy to get of the house that I didn’t want to go back home. But I hear all good things come to an end. So…
I went back to Kirklin Clinic on November 12th for my 8th chemotherapy treatment. Once again, I was extremely tired the first few days and my mouth was sore. Luckily, I didn’t experience and mind games this treatment. I did, however, experience resentment. I was jealous of people because their lives were “normal.” I’ll admit I took a lot of that anger out on my sister. She gets to go out and do things, while I sit at the house watching Netflix. I know she’s going to feel bad when she reads this but I mostly just took it out on her, when in reality I was jealous of anyone that got to go and do as they pleased. She was just the one I saw come and go. So for that, I apologize. My immune system was and will continue to be weak throughout all treatments. With it being so weak, especially right now during flu season, I’m still on “house arrest.” Might I add that being at home all the time can drive you nuts! However, having a birthday like I did on the 15th, was well worth “house arrest.” I had my family, 3 cakes to devour, gifts, and well over 50 mailed cards to me for my birthday! Seeing that many cards, just for me, made me tear up. I could definitely feel love and prayers and I really needed them after the day I was having. I had already cried 3 times that morning because I didn’t want to be sick and feel bad on my birthday. After reading those sweet cards, it helped remind me that people do still care about me and are praying for me. I had begun to wonder if I was forgotten but then I felt selfish for even thinking that. Obviously I wasn’t forgotten. I mean how many people can say they’ve received over 50 cards in the mail on their birthday!? A week later it was Thanksgiving. Normally, I would spend Thanksgiving visiting family at my nanny’s house and also at my granny’s house but not this year. I have big families so it would be crowded and easy to catch some kind of bug if someone were sick. So I stayed at home on Thanksgiving and that got me to feeling upset. I sat in my room crying uncontrollably with my mom and sister. I was so tired of being sick. I wanted my hair back. I wanted to be a “normal” 22 year old. I wanted to be able to do the simplest things as to eat with my family at Thanksgiving. I wanted so many things but then I started crying because I sounded so selfish. There are so many people that have it much worse than I do. I’m not use to crying about myself or worrying about myself and I feel like that’s all I do now, which is just silly. I mean I have good days and bad days but gosh those bad days can really hit me.
While all three of these chemo treatments had their repetitive similarities, they had some different struggles that I went through as well. It’s like being on a rollercoaster. Up and down, up and down. There are nights that I can’t sleep or I end up crying myself to sleep. There are also days when I feel like the old Karlie but I just can’t go out and do certain things. On the plus side, I only have 4 more treatments left! And thus far, the Lord has gotten me though it all. I couldn’t be more grateful to have Jesus Christ in my life. I may have weak moments but He pulls me through it and has big plans for me.
When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future. Ecclesiastes 7:14
December 6, 2012
karlienicole.com 