Sometimes it’s hard. I just have to remember to keep on. I’m almost there. It’s almost over.
I feel terrible for not working on my blog sooner! I’ve put off writing it because it started to feel more like homework and I just haven’t been in the right mind frame to really express my feelings and thoughts the way I’ve wanted to. It’s all still pretty much repetitive, so again I’ve combined three treatments into one blog.
November 27th I went to Kirklin Clinic for my 9th chemotherapy treatment. Once again, I was just physically tired. I started off mentally drained the first few days. My body was so sore this treatment that it was causing me to not be able to sleep well at night. My hair started to fall out again more than what it had been but nowhere near as much as it was at the beginning. However, it was still a shock and made me really upset to see my hair coming out again. On the plus side, this treatment went by really fast.
I had my 10th treatment on December 11th. I picked back up to my norm really quickly this treatment. I had a little mouth soreness and body aches as usual. I began getting very angry during these two weeks. I was so mad that this had happened to me. I would sometimes stay up all night crying wishing I could go back to “normal.” Mom allowed me to go in Walmart with her one day. I felt like everyone was staring at me because on the outside I look completely normal but I don’t have hair. I started thinking that these people were probably assuming that I chose to shave my head for the fun of it. One day my sister and I went into a small clothing store to shop. She was trying on clothes in a dressing room and while I was waiting on her a lady came up beside me and began tugging at my scarf I was wearing. The lady then told me she was sorry and that she thought I was a mannequin. A mannequin! This really hurt my feelings. I mean I know I’m pale and I don’t have hair… but a mannequin? That definitely pushed me to always wear my wig out in public and not just a hat. During this chemo treatment was yet another holiday. However, I had been preparing myself for what it would be like so it was a lot more bearable. It would be just like Thanksgiving. I wouldn’t be spending Christmas with my family and friends as usual. Since I wasn’t able to attend any family get-togethers it just didn’t feel like Christmas at all. My parents really helped keep me company and to keep my mind occupied.
On December 27th was my 11th chemotherapy treatment. During this treatment I felt goof the first few days and I celebrated bringing in the New Year. This really meant a lot to me. 2012 was definitely a life changing year for me but in 2013 I would be able to experience new things and see my life in a completely new and different way. I was very excited and scared at the same time. Of course though, I had the usual problems… Mouth soreness and an aching body. I actually developed mouth sores this time. It hurt so badly. Sometimes it hurt to open my mouth and talk. It eventually healed and went away.
Throughout all three of these treatments I’ve had to keep reminding myself that there is only one more left. I’m almost there. I just have to keep on keeping on. As hard as it may be at times, God and my family and friends help to push me to remain positive and look toward the end.
But I will keep on hoping for your help; I will praise you more and more. Psalm 71:14
March 2, 2013
karlienicole.com 