iPlan

Why? Where do I go from here? God knows why and He knows where. He holds my future.

January 8th I went to Kirklin Clinic to visit my doctor for a checkup. He said he thought the treatments had gone well and I wouldn’t go back to see him until April for a PET scan. I went to the infusion center on Thursday, January 10th, for my final chemotherapy treatment. It was unquestionably a bitter sweet moment. I was so excited about it almost being over and it being my last treatment. But I had become friends with my nurses and I probably wouldn’t be seeing them again. They were all so kind. I couldn’t have asked for any better nurses than the ones I was given. During this treatment the weather definitely affected my mood. I had a sore mouth and actually developed sores inside my mouth. I had an awful migraine and my body ached. By the second week, though, I really started to pick back up.

Once I began to physically feel better, I started to become a little depressed. Yes, I felt good but I wasn’t able to leave the house just yet until my immune system was built back up. I kind of had a hard time adjusting back to my old life in a way, both physically and mentally. Finally, after four weeks since my last chemo treatment, I was allowed out of the house! My family and I went out to eat together for the first time in seven months. I was so excited! Once I got there and was surrounded by so many other people it began to really hit me. I was very overwhelmed. I had been in the house for so long that being around all of the people and noises was almost just too much for me. I learned very quickly that I was going to have to take it slow to get back into the swing of things. Weeks later, my sweet sister signed me up for a pageant of all ages that had a special division for cancer patients and survivors. All of the proceeds went to the American Cancer Society. I was kind of excited about being in it. My sister thought it would be a good thing for me. It would help get me out of the house and make me feel good about myself as a young girl going through cancer. However, as soon as we got to the pageant I realized I still wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to be in front of people. I wasn’t ready to let the whole world see me as a cancer patient. I began to get paranoid. I felt like other girls were staring at me and judging me. My sister understood and I didn’t go through with the pageant. Instead I cried the whole ride home because of how it made me feel and fear of hurting her feelings and everyone else’s that was coming to watch me be in the pageant. I’ve also had a couple of people ask me to speak and tell my story to help raise money for Relay for Life. As much as I would love to, I’m still just not ready. It’s hard. A lot harder than I thought it would be by now to really accept my cancer. I had made a list during my chemotherapy treatments of all the things that I want to do when I’m better. After realizing how much these few and simple things took out of me emotionally, I decided to work on my list a little at a time.

In an odd way, I became more depressed now (after my treatments), rather than before (when I found out I have cancer). I began to question what my purpose in life is or really what to do with my life. I have had to put my life on hold for so long that I kind of forgot what to do with it. Where do I go from here? All of the plans that I had for myself had to practically vanish once I was diagnosed with cancer. This time last year I was not expecting any of this to be happening to me. I had so much more planned for my life… And yet, so did God.

A few things that some of you may have questioned, I might not have mentioned in my blog. Originally, I was fairly dark complected but the treatments had made my skin very pale. I had more of weight gain rather than weight loss, which was a great thing in comparison to most cancer patients. My hair was growing back (and still is) throughout the treatments. It was just at different lengths because I was still losing some in the process. I am now taking biotin pills and putting coconut oil on my hair to help it grow faster. As for my eyebrows and eyelashes, I bought this small tube that looks like lip gloss that I applied on them every morning and night. Of course, they still thinned out some but I didn’t lose them completely. They probably would have looked even better if I had listened to my mom and used it consistently. I noticed that I bruised very easily and my face was more broke out than normal in the first week of every treatment. During the six months of treatments I was constantly up and down. I was randomly crying every now and then. It really was an emotional rollercoaster.

Overall, I flashback to the beginning. Sitting in the doctor’s office when he told me I have cancer. Having to tell my family and friends. Starting my first chemotherapy treatment. Not being able to even shower myself in the beginning. Not being allowed to go out. Losing my hair. Not feeling like myself, both physically and mentally. It all seems like a dream. I remember it like yesterday but it doesn’t feel real. Now that it’s all over with it’s becoming more realistic than ever before.

I have to be honest about something. As much as I want to be able to tell you that I’ve had this close relationship with God, that’s not completely true. I wish it was. But there were some days, weeks even, that I felt so distant from Him. I know that’s my fault and not His because He never leaves us. It’s hard to explain… I have always been close in my walk with God and have been through this whole journey but I would catch myself at times almost stuck. Stuck in a constant. Just not growing in Him. I wasn’t able to attend church and some days I was just too tired physically to do any kind of devotionals on my own. I even remember crying to my mom and dad about how I felt far away from God because I had let Satan mess with my mind during my treatments. I’ll never forget my mom telling me that if I ever felt that way to just close my eyes and say “Get away from me Satan! I’m a child of the King!” Several nights I would wake up crying and say that over and over. From the beginning I had told myself that I wouldn’t question God about why this had happened to me because I knew that He has a plan for everything. Though as time has passed and especially now, I question why this happened. Why? Why did you choose for me to have cancer, God? I felt like I was this happy-go-lucky person who had a great job, wonderful family, and friends. This wasn’t in my plans. Instead it’s made me realize things that I almost wish I never knew. My heart has hurt during these last few months. Not because of my treatments but because my eyes have really been opened. I’ve noticed ones that care and the ones that will always be there during times like this. Sadly, I’ve also seen the ones that either don’t know how to handle it or are just too busy. That really just hurts my heart. I questioned why God would want me to see these things and feel this way towards friends and family. Why? I feel as if God had this planned for me to not only better myself in the long run and help me grow as a person and more in Him, but also to inform others. Inform you on what it’s like to have cancer. What it’s like to go through treatments. How it makes you feel. How you need to show love and care for others. How God can bring you through anything. How God shows you even in the worst times how He has huge plans for you. I’m still working on trying to understand why God let this to me. It’s hard. Now that I’m able to attend church my relationship with God has grown even closer than before. But there are still days when I simply wonder why. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have been able to pull through this the way I have without all of the prayers I’ve received. I can’t say thank you enough. It means so much to me to have friends, family, and even strangers that would say a little prayer for me. God definitely knew I could handle this because of people like you to pick me up in prayers when I was too weak to do it myself.

“For I know the plans I have for you…” Jeremiah 29:11

April 6, 2013