… because He can heal cancer.
Where to begin… First of all I want to apologize to all those who are constantly asking when I will post my next blog. I’m sorry it has taken so long. Please understand that it has been difficult for me to take the time to sit down and reminisce on certain things. I’ve had some people tell me that I don’t always have to write sad stuff about my story, but to be honest I really want anyone who reads this to know that there are good days and bad days. I want you to see how it really feels going through this even on bad days.
Once I found out the news in April, I began living my life as normal as I possibly could. I finally graduated from Wallace State Community College with my Social Work degree thanks to my good friend Emily Boaz, my classmates, and my teacher Ms. Beck for making that possible. I made t-shirts to raise money for Relay for Life and had tons of friends and even strangers buy them. I want to thank Holly Pong High School for selling those for me and Heart of Dixie for making the shirts. I had a lot of people donate anonymously and even online. A special thank you goes to the Vinemont FCCLA and Mrs. Whittle for raising money. I got a team together for Relay for Life and we all went to the event on that rainy day. Going to Relay for Life never meant so much to me as it did on that day. I want to say a special thank you to those who came to show your support. I can’t begin to describe to you how much that meant to me. My team raised over $2,000 dollars!
There were days when my cancer still affected me mentally. I would cry for no reason at times and not understand why. Other days I would have flashbacks to different parts of my chemotherapy treatments. I still had a hard time dealing with my hair. It was definitely growing back; just not fast enough for my self confidence. I struggled with it and chose to wear my wigs until I felt more comfortable to show people. I was no longer on “house arrest” and was able to go out and about. However, since my cancer still got to me mentally, I didn’t enjoy going out the way I thought I would. I remember my family taking me out to eat one night and it was almost like a reality shock for me. It was overwhelming. There were so many people and so much talking. I didn’t handle it very well. It’s like I didn’t quite know how to socialize like I used to.
I started back to work the summer of 2013 at the Cullman County Center for the Developmentally Disabled working the summer camp. I thought this would be great for me to get back to my old self. I’ll never forget going on that first day wearing my hat when one of the boys, Abhi, came up to me and took it off my head. I had to chase him down to get it back and he just looked at me and said, “No, Karlie. Soft hair. Pretty hair.” Then he started petting my head. He is the one who gave me the confidence to stop wearing my hats all the time. That sweet boy made a huge impact on how I looked at myself. On my way home that day I heard something on the radio that really stuck with me… “God loved to know and count every hair on my head, then He decided to start all over!” We had a lot of new kids come to the center that summer, one being Jackson Ray who has Down Syndrome. He became very near and dear to my heart in many ways. He was such a joy to be around. He was always smiling and wanting to play games. I only had the privilege of being around him the first few weeks of camp. One day I received news that Jackson wouldn’t be returning to camp because he was diagnosed with Leukemia, which is common for those with Down Syndrome. This crushed me. I cried when I found out. I had the hardest time sleeping. I would cry at night because I hated that this had happened to such a sweet, young boy whom I had just met. I couldn’t wrap my head around why God would do this to him. I prayed continuously for God to take the cancer away from Jackson. I remember crying to my mom one night telling her that I would rather God give it to me than for Jackson to have to go through what I did. I knew if I had a hard time with my treatments in my own mind, then I couldn’t imagine what Jackson was feeling or thinking. You can read and learn more about Jackson’s story at https://www.facebook.com/JacksonsGreatJourney. Please continue to pray for Jackson daily!
I went back to the doctor in July for more blood work and another CT scan. The CT scan showed nothing! My doctor said everything looked great and I would come back for a checkup in October.
There have been different times that I have done something or seen something that bring back bad memories. I like to call them flashbacks. Every time I drive by Cullman’s hospital on 157 I notice the building where I first found out I have cancer. When I see that building I immediately flashback to sitting in that room with my mom when the doctor told us it was cancer. After I heard the word “cancer” I completely zoned out of my life for a long time. One night on a drive back from Huntsville, I was taken back to the long drive I took to visit my friend in Mississippi right after being diagnosed with cancer. On that drive back from Huntsville, I began crying. I had that feeling of overwhelmed just like I did on that long drive to Mississippi. There was another night I can remember that I broke down for no reason. It just really hit me that I had almost been so selfish that I didn’t realize the other people my cancer had affected. I instantly thought of my poor mom. I couldn’t imagine how much she must have been hurting through this entire thing. She was there through everything. No, she didn’t understand how I was feeling at times, but it must be just as bad to have to sit there and watch your baby go through something you can’t help. She was there when I lost my hair. She was the one that would clean up all of the hair I lost every day. She was the one who made sure I was eating and got plenty of rest. It just really hit me that night how my mom must have felt and my whole family for that matter. There are still days now that are hard for me. I get down about my life at times. I think about how different my life would be had I never been diagnosed with cancer at all. What would I be doing? Where would I be in life? How would I really be feeling? All I know is going back to those thoughts brings back bad memories. I have to have the strength to bring myself back. I was in a dream world for so long that I feel like I’ve lost myself a little. I have to make a new reality.
I went back to Kirklin Clinic in October for my checkup. It just so happened that the day I went I had a cold. Sometimes when you get sick your lymph nodes will swell up and mine did. I had noticed a certain one on the left side of my neck that was swollen. My doctor said it was probably just because of the cold that I had. He also informed me that I was now in remission! That was the best news I had heard in a long time! My mom said she could immediately see my face change once I heard the word remission. I couldn’t stop smiling. Just hearing that made me feel so much better. My doctor gave us the go ahead to get my port taken out and we scheduled to have it removed the following week. I was really anxious to get my port removed, but I had decided that if the knot in my neck didn’t go down by that time then I was going to wait about getting my port taken out. After my cold went away I realized that the knot was still there in my neck. I cancelled my appointment to get my port removed and scheduled an appointment to see my doctor again. I went back on November 19th to let my doctor examine the knot on my neck. He said it was nothing to worry about but he could definitely feel a knot there. He was glad to know that I decided not to get my port removed right now. He thought that was a good idea too and then scheduled for me to come back and see him in February. I was so happy to know that he wasn’t worried about the knot, but at the same time I was a little nervous because he was glad I kept my port and also said he could definitely feel the knot. But I continue to go on as normal and will find out more at my next appointment.
I was privileged the year of 2013 to be able to get out of my house, go to church, go to my family Thanksgiving and Christmas get togethers, celebrate my birthday with loved ones, go to work, do fun things and actually be able to enjoy them, and many other things that I was unable to do during my treatments.
There are certain people that I would like for you to be praying for: Jackson Ray and Hunter Walker, two guys that were diagnosed in 2013 with cancer. It’s a hard road for both of them and their families. They each have different cancers and different treatments but still need our prayers. Also please remember the York family and the Pannell family. Barbra York and Carolyn Pannell both passed away recently and it has left me with a heavy heart. Please pray for these families as they learn to deal with the loss of loved ones due to cancer.
I’ve learned that how we deal with tragedy defines who we are. Cancer can give you perspective. Suffering produces perseverance. God can use broken people. God allows mountains. He has a purpose for me that He has started to equip me with. God planned to move me from where I was to where He wants into likeness of His son. I have endurance through God who gets me through everything. God allows in His wisdom what He could’ve provided in His power. I recognize that I haven’t been dealt the best hand in life, but I’m making the most of it and that’s why I’m telling my story.
For nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:37
January 19, 2014
karlienicole.com 