I worry even though I know God is in control of the situation. Worry is the senseless process of cluttering up tomorrow’s opportunities with leftover problems from today.
Wow. My last blog update was almost a year ago. That simply goes to show how easily we can get caught up in the busyness of this world. I must say, though, that 2014 was definitely better to me than 2013. I have still been dealing with a lot in my life. Sometimes so much that I feel I can’t handle it. But as the saying goes… “It gets better day by day.”
After going for a checkup in November 2013, I received word that my doctor had moved to and opened up his own practice in Montgomery. This put my mom into a panic. I hadn’t been assigned a new doctor at the Kirklin Clinic, but I had an appointment coming up in February 2014. In the meantime, I still had to make trips to the Birmingham to have my port flushed every so often. I finally got an appointment made in the spring with a doctor that my chemo counselor had suggested to use there at the clinic. Now, I have to say, I am such a people person that I can get along with pretty much anyone. However, this lady rubbed me the wrong way. Our personalities must have just clashed completely. Instead of her showing any kind of concern for the knot I still had in my neck and the new ones I found in my groin, which was worrying me, she kept insisting that I have my port removed. She didn’t suggest this just once, but probably eight times total. And the more she kept pushing me to get my port removed, the more frustrated I was getting. All I could think to myself was, “I mean, hello?! I’m keeping it flushed so it doesn’t get infected. I’m staying cautious because of the knot that has been in my neck for about six months now! What in the world is this lady thinking?!” Goodness… I’m getting myself worked up again just thinking about it. Ha! Anyways, I don’t know how many times I had to tell this doctor ‘no’ before she got the point. She told me that lymph nodes swell up and go down all the time and that it’s nothing to worry about at all. I remember my mom asking me afterwards what I thought of her being my new doctor. I just shook my head and my rant began the whole way home. Halfway through the trip home, my vent session ended up turning into tears. I didn’t know what to do. I definitely was not removing my port anytime soon or until I was personally ready. I had to find a new doctor because I was not using her again. I was worried that these knots would end up being cancerous and it would be further along in the stage because everyone kept putting off testing it. My mom said we would get a second opinion and find a new doctor, even if that meant leaving the Kirklin Clinic. For weeks after, I remember there being talk about going to one of the Cancer Centers of America that are in different places in the US. My chemo counselor informed us of a new doctor starting at the Kirklin Clinic that specialized specifically in lymphoma. But when I say he was a new doctor, I mean he was new as in this was his first job. This made us very nervous, especially my mom. I scheduled an appointment to meet with him during the summer. After suffering a few more months of worrying, I met with this new doctor. We clicked instantly! He reminded me so much of my former doctor in ways and ironically trained under him for several years. This was great news because I had prayed and prayed that God would place a doctor in my life that I needed. It is very important to get along with and feel comfortable with your doctor and this guy was going to be my new doctor. He immediately insisted that I have a PET scan done to check on the knots, especially since he was freshly learning about my situation. In August 2014, I went for the long day of testing. Interestingly enough, needles still make me pass out. After the nurse stuck me with an IV, I began feeling light-headed and all of a sudden… that’s all I remember. Ha! I do remember waking up on a bed with the nurse making me drink plenty of water before proceeding with having the PET scan done. By the time I got home, my doctor was calling to fill me in on the outcome of the scan. Everything is still shrinking! That was amazing news! However, I was very sad. Not in a sense of wanting bad things to happen to me, but because cancer is very confusing. Especially lymphoma. I just sat there and cried. I cried with joy and with sadness. These things kept running through my head: How am I supposed to know when a knot is cancerous if I don’t have it tested? It cost so much money and a lot of mine and my family’s time to check up on every little knot I find. How am I supposed to know the difference between a cancerous lymph node and just a swollen lymph node? Will I have to live the rest of my life this way? Lymphoma is different from other cancers because I can see and feel swollen knots that may or may not be cancerous throughout my life. This is scary!
I continued to have my port flushed every so often and had decided that I would talk to my doctor about getting it removed in December. Recently, I had an appointment for a checkup for the first time since August. Everything in my blood work came back fine and I asked my doctor about my port. He felt the knot on my neck and asked if there was any change. I told him no and he suggested that I wait until my next appointment to talk about removing my port. He said it was obvious the lymph node was still swollen and even though I was not experiencing any symptoms, he wanted to be cautious about taking out my port too soon. He put me at ease though because he was as cautious as I like to be. He also informed my mom and I about the improvement of the treatments for those whose cancers have come back. I have an appointment to see my doctor for another checkup in the spring and hopefully the knot in my neck will disappear by then.
2014 has been a very stressful year for me. Saying that, I’ve realized that I cannot handle stress very well at all. The smallest things in the world that wouldn’t bother a soul and others can just roll off their shoulders, hang over my head like crazy. I’ve always had a compassionate and big heart, but if it was nothing to worry or stress over, I didn’t. However, now the simplest of situations can cause me to have major anxiety. I’m not talking about having a vent session over a circumstance for a couple of hours… I mean it can bother me for months. This is something I have been struggling with since my chemotherapy ended and I still am dealing with it. I had even considered seeing a counselor at one time, but I thought people would think I was crazy. You should’ve seen the look on my parents faces when I even mentioned that! After talking to my dad, I realized I don’t need a counselor when I have THE Counselor. He hears all of my thoughts and takes all of my stress for me. I just have to let Him handle it and quit trying to do it all myself.
There have also been sometimes where I am easily reminded of what I’ve been through. It seems like movies, books, and TV shows are all about cancer now or are at least more obvious to me. I have to admit though, some of them are very good! I can unquestionably relate to the characters and their situations. However, certain scenes can bother me more easily than others. Aside from those reminders, I recently had a friend who joined the National Guard. At a going away party, he thought it would be fun to go ahead and shave his head. He was going to let everyone take a turn buzzing it. It was all in good fun, but just the mention of it made me sick at my stomach. I had to leave. I didn’t even get the chance to tell everyone goodbye. As soon as I got into my car, I began to burst out in tears. I thought I was over that, but apparently not. I still have flashbacks of different times during my chemotherapy and wake up from nightmares of my cancer coming back. Not quite as often as I used to, so I know there is hope that eventually this will pass.
There is one thing I have been patiently waiting for the right time to talk about. Fertility. A lot of little girls dream of getting married and having a family one day. When I was little this never crossed my mind. Of course, throughout my life at some point I thought about having a family, but it was never something I really focused on long enough to deeply think about it. I even remember teasing my parents about not getting married and living with them forever or telling them I was just going to adopt children whenever I got married. But it was never something I had fully ever thought about. In August of 2012, I sat in a room at the Kirklin Clinic for the first time. My parents were sitting to the side crying, the doctor and nurses were saying all kinds of things that I wasn’t listening to, and I was just there. The only thing that caught my attention out of everything that was said, was the chance of not being able to have children. Why did this even bother me? I’ve never thought about it before and now I’m being forced to think about it. I might not be able to have my own children?! I’m 21 years old and I’m being told that there’s a possibility of me not having kids. The doctor and nurses stepped out of the room so that my parents and I could talk. All of the medicine in the chemotherapy can kill all of my eggs. I was given the choice of having a procedure done to have my eggs frozen. This would give me more of a chance to be able to have children even after chemotherapy. However, my cancer was at a stage 2 of 4 and if I postponed starting treatment the cancer could have gotten worse. Plus, it cost a ton to have your eggs frozen! My parents reminded me that I had always mentioned adopting children anyways and my dad gave me the sweetest reminder of all… God will take care of it. If it is in God’s plan for me to have children in the future, I will. And if not, I will get to be a mother to someone who doesn’t have one. I chose not to have my eggs frozen because I know God is in control of my future, not sickness or medicine. Even though I know all of this to be true in my heart, I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me at all to this day. I am now 24 years old and the possibilities of having a family one day crosses my mind from time to time. No, I’m not married nor am I rushing my life to get to that point. However, I have thought about what it will be like to discuss with my future husband the possibilities of not having children. It makes me sad sometimes to think about so many others my age who are married with children and yet I had to battle through cancer and be left behind in that area of life and might never leave it. I’m absolutely nowhere near ready to have kids right now, but I get down when I hear people talking about having their own. I know that’s silly because I’m so happy for them, but still feel sadness at the same time. I simply get my head filled with a bunch of what ifs. Overall though, I know God is in control of my worry. He has it planned out perfectly for me, whether I am to have my own children or not. This whole year has been filled with nothing but worry for me. Matthew 6:25 says, “Do not worry about your life…” and it is such a sweet reminder for me daily.
“Don’t worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
December 18, 2014
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