Loss makes us question things. We ask God why things didn’t happen the way we planned. Why do things we ask for not live? Why don’t things happen the way we pray for them to? Loss hurts. It simply doesn’t always look the way that we want. Miracles don’t always happen the way that we pray for them to. God is at work in a different way. But how can we feel life and joy during such a hard season of life?
In my last blog, Beyond Worry, I wrote about my possibly infertility. That has still been something on my mind as my friends and family continue to bring sweet little babies into this world. At the same time, however, I am completely at peace with whatever the Lord has in store for my life. I am okay if I’m unable to have children in the future. Maybe that’s why God has allowed me to be a teacher. But this story isn’t fully about me…
Within a week after writing that blog, my sister told me she was pregnant. I cannot even explain into words just how happy my heart was feeling at the time. On September 4th, 2015, Kinsley Grace was born. I never in a million years knew I would be able to love someone as much as I do. Possibly not being able to have children of my own, Kinsley is like mine. I have a bond with her like no other. She helped me pull through some of my own cancer depression and she doesn’t even know it. I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without her in it. It made me become even more at peace with infertility because I know I will always have her.
Just a few weeks before Christmas 2017, my sister told me she was pregnant again. My eyes filled with tears of joy! I had been telling my sister that she had to have as many babies as she could in case I couldn’t. I want to be able to love on all of them. In that moment, I was as happy as I could be! Imagine what the next Christmas would be like with another baby in the house. What would Kinsley think? Would this baby be a girl? Would they get along like my sister and me? Would it be a boy? I don’t think any of us would know what to do with a boy since it’s mostly been girls in my family. The anticipation and excitement were filled in all of our heads as my family sat around the Christmas tree discussing possible names.
On January 24th, 2018 my sister called me while I was at work to tell me she lost the baby. Again, tears filled my eyes but this time my heart was hurting. I was in shock. I began telling certain people I worked with and they dropped everything to begin praying. My sister was heartbroken and I was heartbroken for her. I couldn’t even go see her that day because I knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to look her in the eyes and comfort her without crying and breaking down myself. I’m not good at letting people see my emotions. Especially during someone else’s pain. And there was a lot of pain in our hearts. For my sister to be pregnant was like for me to be pregnant. I might not have any of the physical attachment but I had the emotional. Then the questions began to roll into our heads… Why would God let this happen? Why let us be so excited just to take it away? Why fill our hearts just to break them? Hasn’t my family been through enough heartache? But that’s just it… Yes, my cancer put my family through heartache and pain, but we overcame. Jesus went through heartache and pain while on this earth, but He overcame.
God planned ahead for this moment that we would see His faithfulness in all of the grief. He will stop at nothing to heal our brokenness. I pray our faith rises up like ivy in a garden. For God crushes all of our fears with His perfect love. I pray God let’s us see His redemption growing in the trees and the death and resurrection in every single seed that is planted. This baby was my family’s whole heart and I can’t wait to meet this beautiful angel in Heaven.
God goes before us. He is always up to the most beautiful things if we will just open our eyes and see. It’s going to look different sometimes… but that’s okay because He is there and His presences is there and He meets us where we are. He keeps me in wonder and reminds me that I don’t have Him figured out. We have to start in a place of honesty and lift our heads up. Look around and let God show you that He is up to something beautiful. He takes ashes and turns them into beauty. He is planting and pruning and watering for things to grow at the right time… in the right season for your life. It’s a journey of being in wonder of a loving Father.
This blog is dedicated to my sister, Kayla, and the angel that became her whole heart. Please continue to pray for her.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18
January 19, 2018
karlienicole.com 