Being sick messes with my mind now that chemo is over with. It doesn’t matter what kind of sickness it is either. I’m currently out sick with the flu. So far, that’s meant 4 days of being stuck at home and not feeling well. This tends to cause my mind to go places. I’m automatically taken back to the six months of being stuck at home in my “chemo bubble.” I’m back on the rollercoaster that was so hard to get off of. Or maybe I should call it a whirlpool… It’s a depression that’s hard to shake.
I’m not saying that it affects everyone this way after chemo. but it affects me this way. I think the devil just knows how to play with my mind. And he does a good job with it, if I say so myself. As silly as it is, over the past 4 days, I’ve been thinking about several things that used to bother me and still bother me now if I give it the opportunity to. I easily begin thinking about how I lost my hair, what if I never get better, what if it gets worse. I know, I know. I sound like a crazy person. Why would a girl like me, at my age, who has everything she could ever need even feel this way? If I had the answer, I probably wouldn’t be feeling this way at all.
It doesn’t help that the weather is absolutely beautiful right now. It doesn’t help that it’s the weekend and everyone’s off having fun. It doesn’t even help that I’m so blah feeling that I can’t seem to find anything to make me happy. I think this is what reminds me so much of when I was going through chemo. Because I feel so tired I can’t do much and yet the rest of the world hasn’t stopped. So all that’s left for me to do is have my mind wonder. I’ve decided that is never a good thing in my case! Haha! Instead of being productive and feeling like I’m able to accomplish something… I’m stuck at home, looking at social media. Which isn’t a good thing to do either. I know when I’m close to the depression stage and this is it.
Believing there is an end to your struggles, whether it’s being sick with the flu, going through chemo, or whatever it be, is like wading into deep waters with a big drop off. Like the big drop off from the movie Finding Nemo. It’s dark, scary, and full of unknown danger. And sometimes the winds are really strong and they want to knock you off that edge into the deep waters. And sometimes you need to have a little break down and pathetically flounder around in the water. But before the wind comes, before you drown, pause and pray. Praying is like swimming when you’re drowning inside your own head and worries. Because the hard stuff in the middle of the unknown isn’t the end. It’s the beginning. Across the ocean. And if you pause for a moment… If you look over your shoulder… you’ll see the boat. Sometimes you just have to keep swimming. I have to remind myself to trust in the boat (His deliverance) and embrace what is laid before me.
Praying can be hard when we struggle with things that get us down. Especially when we have feelings of depression. That’s when we need to be grateful that we have those prayer warriors who will help pull us through it. Also, in the midst of your prayers, please remember a sweet friend of mine, Sandra Laney. She has been diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing chemo.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7
April 29, 2018
karlienicole.com 